You and I
by InuHatake
Summary: It's been a year since Castiel left the boys life. Dean is usually able to keep his emotions hidden with the bottom of the bottle but tonight it's not helping. Will the appearance of the one person he thought was gone forever help? Preslash. Destiel
1. Chapter 1

**Yeah this is my idea of how Castiel comes back with of course Destiel pre-slash mixed in, this can be read as a one shot but if people want me to make it a chapter story with actual slash. It's got a lot of angst in this chapter, I tried to make Dean stay in character and I hope I have done that... let me know if you want me to continue to make it a chapter story. And yes I got the title from Lady Gaga's song because I heard it and was like... yes! I'm proud of it so... here it is!**

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><p>A year. It had been an entire year since that day. Dean tried not to think of it, he pushed it to the back of his mind and shoved things on top of it just to stop the thoughts from ever coming up. Sometimes he couldn't fight them off; usually it was at night when he tried to sleep. His mind would run and he wouldn't be able to stop it, usually he found the closest bottle of whatever was closest to him. Sam never questioned him, thank god or whoever was in charge now, his usual nosey brother knew better than to ask him. On nights like tonight the bottom of the bottle only seemed to make things worse.<p>

He didn't expect it to go away tonight. That was why he didn't stay at the bar he tried to go to. Dean knew he wasn't the best person to spend time with when he was like this. Honestly he didn't care what people thought of him, he'd gotten to the point where if he was hated by everyone but Sam he was fine. However he didn't like snapping at people constantly, which was what would end up happening if he stayed at the bar.

This of course brought him to his current location, bum-fuck-nowhere Alabama sitting in the Impala nursing an almost empty bottle of Jack. Wrapping his jacket tighter around himself Dean leaned his head against the steering wheel. He should go back to the room now, he knew that, but he wouldn't. Not yet, he would sit here finish this bottle hoping it warmed him up, even if he knew it wouldn't. He would look out at the field in front of him biting back the tears. Dean couldn't count the number of times he'd heard that if you just cried it would feel better, but he wouldn't. Going back was not an option; Sam would see his face and know.

He liked to think that he was the one who knew Sam better than anyone, and he did. However at the same time his little brother knew him better than anyone. He was almost certain that Sam knew, he always knew. Admitting it was another thing. Confronting the fact that his brother probably knew was something the older Winchester couldn't handle. If he went back he would have to look at his brother and be confronted with the fact that he missed the angel more than he should have.

In his mind he thought that maybe if he just ignored the fact that the angel even existed everything would just go away. All the memories he had of C… he couldn't even think of his name. Shaking his head he looked out at the stars blinking a few times doing his best to get rid of the moisture in his eyes that was blurring his vision. Sucking in a deep breath he leaned back in the seat pouring the remainder of the Jack down his throat. The burn that usually came with it was gone now, after an entire bottle it didn't surprise him. Tossing the bottle in the passenger seat Dean went back to his own thoughts.

In the beginning he vowed that he wouldn't talk about him anymore. It would be like it was with Lisa and Ben, they would be gone and he would deal with it not worrying about them, but it couldn't be that easy. He thought that maybe it was just that he'd lost everyone, his mother, his father, Lisa, Ben, Bobby, Sam and him. He tried to talk his mind into that so many times that he'd lost count. Even if in the back of his mind he knew it wasn't true he could convince the front of his mind that it was. He was able to pretend that it was just that he lost everything and it was taking it's toile on him.

As the chill of the air outside once again found its way into the Impala Dean wrapped himself tighter in his coat rubbing his hands together. Turning on the car and turning on the heater was just an unappealing idea to him at the moment. It was his own form of punishment. Why should he be comfortable when the person who saved his ass more than he could count was gone. His own hypocritical tendencies were eating away at him, this would be the only time he'd admit it to himself but he was a hypocritical bastard. Dean was mad at his closest friend for something he'd been stupid enough to do himself.

Letting out a dry laugh he clenched his jaw as his fist tightened. Closing his eyes tightly he slammed his clenched fist into the steering wheel. Ignoring the sharp pain that shot up his arm he started to laugh again. How weak was he? He didn't know how to deal with things in normal ways. Looking around the Impala he ran his tongue over his dry lips. Dean blocked out the pain by downing a bottle of the strongest alcohol, he took out his anger by hitting things, he dealt with guilt by making himself feel miserable and his feelings… he didn't deal with them at all. It was how he was raised, the bottom of a bottle could solve all problems. The worst part was that he knew it was a lie but god damn did it help him not feel.

Well usually it did, tonight it didn't seem to be doing anything. Maybe after god knows how many of years of finding the bottom it just stopped affecting him. He knew better than that, if that had been true he wouldn't be finding anything amusing about the situation. The laughter that was still finding it's way from him wasn't a humorous laugh, hell he didn't know what it was. Maybe he was laughing at himself. Maybe he wasn't good enough for the people. If they all left him then wasn't it him who was tainted? As his thoughts started to sound more and more like Zachariah's words to him while he was in heaven he had to get out.

Pushing the door open Dean stepped outside doing his best to ignore the spinning his head was doing. As the cold air hit his face full force he leaned against the side of the impala closing the door when he did. Running his hands down his face Dean let out a shaky breath watching the puff of air as it left his mouth. The chill was getting too much for him; he had to have a blanket or something stuck in the back of the impala. Walking around to the back he felt around in the darkness grabbing the only cloth he found.

As he tried to wrap whatever he was holding around his body he stopped dead. Clenching his fists around the thing in his hands he realized what he was holding. Clenching his jaw he felt the water welling in his eyes. Of all things to grab why did he have to grab Castiel's coat? Looking down at the tan trench coat in his hands he put his fist against it letting out a loud laugh looking up at the sky.

"What the fuck did I do!" his voice was horse as he yelled keeping his eyes on the sky. "Take everyone from me! Where ever the hell you are god…" he let out a choked breath. "Fuck you!" He yelled louder as he raised his hand to throw the trench coat.

"I'd appreciate it if you didn't throw my things Dean." There was a pause as Dean's eyes went wide. "Or take my father's name in vain."


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm glad people liked my story so I'm continuing it! It will probably be four to five chapters depending on if I make Cass fall or keep him an angel. I'm not sure yet so if people have any idea's about that let me know!**

**I was so worried about keeping Dean in character in the last chapter and I'm so glad I did! I hope he stays like that in this chapter! I'm not sure about this chapter, I had it written out a different way but Cass sounded to much like the Doctor so I changed it... anyway let me know what you all think please! **

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><p>Dean's hands clutched tighter at the coat in his hands. He couldn't believe he was actually doing this to himself. He'd never gotten drunk to the point of hallucinations and yet here he was on the ground, clutching Castiel's coat having the dead angel talk to him. This was absolutely killing him., why couldn't he be hallucinating a hot chick from his past? Did it have to be the one person he wasn't sure about? Of course it did his mind was probably his worst enemy, nothing beat him up like himself.<p>

When the angel betrayed them it hurt, if he thought back on all the people who'd left him or lied to him none hurt as bad as it did when Castiel had. It hurt more than it should have for a friend, he tried to tell himself that it was because he was like a brother but he wasn't believing that anymore. When he walked into that lake and left them it crushed Dean. If he was ever honest with himself he'd admit that it hurt worse than having to lose Lisa. And that scared the piss out of him.

"My mind is so fucked up I have to create people to keep me company!" he spat letting out a rough laugh. His voice was rough from the amount of hard liquor he'd drank and the raw emotions that he was biting back. Keeping his hands tightly on the coat he ignored the pain his grip was causing himself, "Here to mock me more? Most times I dream of this you end up mocking me! Why would this be any different." That was the first time he'd admitted out loud that he dreamed of the angel. More like had nightmares, of Castiel telling him it was his fault everyone left him, that he had to find a way to kill himself to get off the leash Dean had put him on.

He clenched his jaw closing his eyes tightly as he waited for the words he'd become so used to in his sleep. "You dream of me Dean Winchester?" The rough voice he usually had taunting him now sounded different. The tone was curious and cautious… so much like the real Castiel.

Pulling his eyebrows together he shook his head slowly, he was also called by his full name. The dream Castiel never did that. He wasn't going to fall for this, it would hurt to much, for a second the fake Cass would let him think he was back, that things might possibly be normal then he would be torn apart. It had happened to many times for him to actually fall for it. Slowly he opened his eyes setting his mouth in a hard line before he stood up slowly keeping the coat in his hands. Call the thing out and it would be over faster, he wouldn't have to sit here and torture himself. Letting out a deep breath he turned around narrowing his eyes at the form of Castiel in front of him.

Dean tried to keep his mouth in a tight line but the look on the face of the other man wouldn't allow that. The eyes he usually saw hard and cold were bright, confused and held no harshness. His eyebrows were pulled together and his head was tilted to the side in the signature Castiel look for confused. The dark hair was messy all over his head as he continued to stare at Dean. He as wearing the same damn suit and tie he always wore minus the trench coat, another difference, Dean noted as he forced his mouth back into the scowl he held earlier. The small twitch of his eyebrows didn't go unnoticed.

Letting the corners of his lips turn up in a smirk he shrugged, "What's this a new game? Make me feel good for a second before I totally rip myself apart?" he spat. He was focusing on not yelling, it would make him feel better, yelling always did, but he would take himself to a new level of crazy if he did. "Just do it and let me go on about my night!" he was already crazy. Standing here drunk off his ass, wallowing in pity for the fact that he missed a dude, a dude who he was imagining standing in front of him, and he was talking to it. Dean Winchester had finally gone off the deep end.

Fake Castiel's eyebrows pulled together his face becoming more confused, "I do not understand…" his head shook lightly as he seemingly tried to make since of Dean's words.

Dean threw the trench coat onto the ground and let out a harsh laugh. "Really?" he spoke quietly. He really should just get in the impala and drive to their motel, that wouldn't be the smart thing to do seeing as he was almost having trouble walking straight, but it was how he did things. "Just stop!" he wasn't expecting himself to yell but that didn't mean it didn't make his chest feel better. "I can't do this… I know I fucked up, I know you left to get away from me, everyone leaves me because I'm worthless!" he closed his eyes reciting the same things he'd heard in his dreams for the past year. "Can you just fucking leave me alone now?"

"I left because I would save you when I did." the voice was quiet but Dean heard it loud and clear. "I've never met a man who was as far from useless as you Dean."

"I said stop!" Dean snapped looking back at the impala, he had to get out of here he couldn't listen to this, no matter how many times he'd fallen for things like this he was falling right back into it. He was letting his heart get the better of him, he should be strong enough now not to care. Words were just that, words. After the things he'd been around his whole life he should be able to just walk away from words. But it wasn't the words he was having a hard time ignoring, it was who was saying these words.

Letting out a choked breath he shook his head walking towards the impala jerking the door open only to have it close almost instantly. "You are in no condition to drive Dean." The voice was to close to him, looking to the side he was face to face with the bright blue eyes that for the first time tonight held anger, here it came, "Are you trying to kill yourself and your precious baby?"

Growling he pushed himself away from his car and the man. This was still going on? Why couldn't he just hurry up and snap out of it. "No I'm trying to get back to my fucking room and my brother! I'm really tired of standing here talking to myself!" Before he had a chance to respond he felt two fingers on his forehead and his stomach flipped.

Letting out heavy breaths Dean looked around with wide eyes. He was back in the parking lot of the motel standing in front of his room door. Castiel was no where in sight but he was back at the room. "What the hell?" he muttered breathlessly. There was no way this was happening.

"This is safer than driving. I'll bring your baby later when I have more energy." Dean spun around quickly looking at the man in front of him. Pulling his eyebrows together he noted the tired look on his face and the worry clearly etched into his eyes.

"Son of a bitch Cass?" he swallowed hard looking over the angel who had the trench coat on his time. He turned his head as he felt the tears prickling the back of his eyes, he couldn't cry now. "This can't be…" he ran his hand through his short hair not believing this.

He heard Castiel clear his throat before speaking, "I told you I would make up for what I'd done Dean. I've never broken a promise to you."

Turning his head back towards Castiel he laughed slightly clenching his fists. "Damn it!" he swore grabbing the angel by the shoulders wrapping his arms around him as he felt the tears fall from his eyes, he'd rather hug like a chick then let Cass see him cry.


End file.
